INTERVIEW WITH PRESIDENT-ELECT
BY THE NEWLY RENAMED
POLITICALLY INCORRECT VITAMIN COMPANY
In case you are politically gullible, this is a spoof. It is fake news. We join all the other fake news agencies like The New York Times and CNN in an effort to reveal fake news for what it is — what it always has been. To be politically correct means to comply with propaganda. Take advantage of mass delusion. Remember those who torment us do so for our own good!
Welcome today to the POLITICALLY CORRECT VITAMIN COMPANY
Dear earth children. Here at the POLITICALLY CORRECT VITAMIN COMPANY we have strived not to offend American Indians. In fact we made political contributions to help pass legislation that provides more vitamin pills to Indian reservations so their indigenous people will be healthier. The fact American Indians are required buy our brand of vitamins locks in sales of our product. Kids on the Indian reservation can’t be enrolled in public school unless they take our vitamins. We learned about this scheme from the vaccine companies. Think of that. This is not crony capitalism. It is circuitous fascism!
Politically-Correct-Consumer-Test-dot-com rates our multivitamin as the least politically insensitive product in its class. And the Rainforest Alliance says our products are environmentally sound.
Please, don’t applaud us at the point as it might be offensive to those people with no arms.
And we produce a non-gender specific multivitamin. We don’t make vitamins for men and others for women like some other companies do. You get to decide which gender it may help the most. It says NONGENDER SPECIFIC on our label.
Our LBGT multivitamin is the only multivitamin to feature the combination of lycopene, B complex, ginger root and Tocotrienols (LBGT) in a microencapsulated vegetarian capsule, all sustainable ingredients we might add.
Our LBGT capsules have less greenhouse gases in them than any competing product and are packaged by residentially flexible individuals, previously called homeless people.
LBGT vitamins are great for the chronologically disadvantaged (aka senior citizens) who have lived on the earth longer than others.
The only gender preference in our company is our CEO’s pink office door. Our female CEO is the only female CEO in the industry. We appointed her to her position after the company had to recall its product because of lead content and we wanted our loyal customers to see our “softer” side. We really didn’t intend to deliver lead in our products, we just forgot to test our raw materials purchased from China for that heavy metal.
And you might find it interesting that we include secret ingredients in our LBGT multivitamins that calm political aggression like fluoride and kava kava.
We were just about to get legislation passed in Congress that would have federally subsidized our vitamins for all Americans and that legislation would have given us federally guaranteed loans to grow our company. The Federal government assured us this worked for a solar panel company called Solyndra.
But that has all come to a halt now. The reigning President was just about ready to announce all the new jobs that would have been created by delivering government-approved vitamins to every household in America, even if they didn’t use them. We could now say Americans are nutrient dense. J But tragically, that didn’t happen. We called a therapist for our employees and had an official company crying spell. We still are not over it.
However, we now realize there is a new paradigm. So we are changing the name of our company to THE POLITICALLY INCORRECT VITAMIN COMPANY and we have a written reply from the leader of this movement, President-Elect Donald Trump, who is also known as a successful entrepreneur, whom we are going to ask for some advice.
Thank you for being with us Mister President Elect. We don’t want to look as if we are chameleons or that we are not principled in our campaign to be the most politically correct vitamin company out there, but we now realize we are not appealing to a lot of red states that that voted for you. We now want to target the deplorables.
As the 44th President of the United States, you ran a campaign that offended a lot of people and you interrupted everybody, but your fortunes seemed to rise with every insult. How can we do the same?
The establishment was rocked backwards. As a business entrepreneur you’ve had many successes, terrible failures and you bounced back from those experiences. Please advise us here at the new POLITICALLY INCORRECT VITAMIN COMPANY how to proceed with our business plan.
Here is the written statement from the desk of President-Elect Donald Trump, written on TRUMP TOWER stationery.
My suggestion is to make a vitamin bar for men. Call it the General Patton bar like they named Baby Ruth after Babe Ruth. Mold the bar in the shape of a bullet.
Or better yet call it the TRUMP vitamin bar with a slogan “You’ll never get enough to chew on.” Make it like beef jerky where men have to pull on it with their teeth.
Don’t worry if your vitamin product has vitamin K3 in it. Three K’s don’t mean you espouse the beliefs of the KKK.
If women want to buy it, put it in a pink wrapper and charge them more.
Make the wrapper non-biodegradable. Make it say something in the landfill when they unearth it hundreds of years from now. Leave something for posterity. The Egyptians did. They left clay tablets. You can leave some rock-hard non-biodegradable vitamin tablets. Think big! Make your brand name last like King Tutankhamen did.
Make sure it is PUTIN FREE so Americans don’t think you include ingredients made by commies in Russia.
Put my name on it and we’ll sell it at Trump Tower.
These are some of my suggestions.
Thank you Mister President Elect.
SUPPLEMENT FACTS BOX
|Kava Kava||50 mg||N/A|
|B complex||15 mg||100% daily value|
|Ginger root||50 mg||N/A|
|Manufactured by the Politically Correct Vitamin Company. If you experience a political adverse reaction, call 888 888-8888|
Dear America: ease up, have some fun with this. Americans need to laugh at themselves. This spoof provided by LifespanNutrition.com, which is wholly owned by Bill Sardi.